How growing up can also mean letting go: Helping Kids Through Change
As a child, my favorite season was summer, probably for obvious reasons. Warm sunny days, more daylight hours, lots of outdoor time, and a break from the grind of school. But, as an adult I’ve grown to really appreciate autumn, which has become a reflective time of year for me.
A few years ago, during a walk among the fall foliage, I remember thinking about the message that fall sends us. In autumn, the leaves show us how beautiful it can be to change. The once bright green leaves turn shades of yellow, orange, and red. Then, the trees show us the importance of letting go. The leaves eventually fall, the branches become bare, and months later, new growth appears.
What a beautiful metaphor for life.
We often think of growth as gaining something new, like new skills, more confidence, or greater independence. But growth also asks us to adapt to change, and sometimes let go of things that no longer fit. I’ve come to appreciate how true this is in childhood. As kids grow, their needs change, their relationships change, and the ways they cope with challenges need to change too. And because children don’t grow in isolation, their parents are often being asked to adjust and let go right alongside them.
Children Are Always Becoming New Versions of Themselves
Think about the little baby who first came into your life. They needed you for everything. In those first few years, change happened rapidly. They learned to move on their own, talk, express themselves, and gradually become their own little person.
Growth is especially easy to see in those early years, but it continues in large and small ways throughout childhood. Your child is constantly becoming a new version of themselves, and as they do, things that once fit may start to fit differently. When they are younger, they may need lots of your help. You’re packing their lunch, helping them get dressed, sitting beside them to get their homework done. But that doesn’t continue forever. Eventually, they’re picking out their own clothes—and developing their own style—packing their own bag, checking their own homework, and maybe only occasionally filling you in on the details.
The things they love change too. Maybe your child was once obsessed with dolls, and then one day dolls are suddenly “for babies.” That old interest makes room for something new they’re excited to explore. The same kind of growth happens emotionally. The toddler who once communicated big feelings through a tantrum gradually learns other ways to manage them—to use words, take a break, ask for help, or calm their body. It doesn’t happen overnight, and the old ways don’t disappear all at once.
As children grow, some of what once fit them simply doesn’t fit in quite the same way anymore. That doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with the interests, routines, coping strategies, or support they needed before. In many cases, those things were exactly right for that version of your child. Growing up isn’t about rejecting who they used to be.
It’s about carrying some things forward, letting go of others, and making room for who they are becoming.
Friendships Change as Children Change
Perhaps one of the more emotionally difficult examples of this kind of change comes with friendships. Young children are often friends largely because of proximity—who their parents know, where they go to school, or who happens to be in the same activities. As children grow and learn more about their own interests, personalities, and values, their friendships naturally change too.
Sometimes those individual changes allow a friendship to drift apart gradually. Two children who once spent all of their time together may begin choosing different activities, developing different interests, or connecting with different people. Other times, the change is more difficult. Conflict may become more frequent, a friendship may begin to feel one-sided, or a child may realize they no longer feel comfortable being themselves around someone they once felt very close to.
These changes can be painful, even when they are a natural part of growing up. A child may miss the friendship as it used to be while also recognizing that it no longer feels the same. They may wonder whether they did something wrong, or they may feel pressure to hold onto a friendship simply because it has lasted a long time. But a friendship does not have to last forever to have been meaningful. Sometimes a friendship was exactly what a child needed during one stage of life, even if it changes as both children grow.
Learning how to navigate those shifts is part of growing up, too. Children are learning not only how to make and keep friends, but how to understand what they value in a friendship, how they want to feel in their relationships, and when it may be time to make room for something different.
Growing Up Means Letting Go, Too
Friendships may be one of the clearest examples of the grief that can come with growing up, but it is certainly not the only example. I often hear older kids and teens talk about the difficulties—or even fears—that come with getting older. They want more independence. They want their parents to trust their decisions and give them more freedom. At the same time, they may still want guidance, reassurance, and the comfort of knowing that someone else will help them figure things out.
We can see this tension especially clearly during major transitions. A high school senior, for example, may seem to be avoiding conversations about college or putting off the seemingly endless list of tasks involved in applying. From the outside, it can look like procrastination or a lack of motivation. But underneath that avoidance there may also be something more complicated: applying to college means acknowledging that the life they have known is about to change. Their school, routines, friendships, home life, and relationship with their parents may all look different very soon.
As parents, we may be able to see the exciting possibilities waiting on the other side of that transition. Our kids often can’t—not yet. Much like the bare branches of winter, there can be a period when what was familiar is beginning to fall away, but the new growth hasn’t appeared yet. They may know something new is coming without being able to picture what it will look or feel like. And even when the next season holds something wonderful, it can still be hard to say goodbye to the one that came before.
Sometimes Growth Means Letting Go of What Once Helped
There are other things children gradually have to let go of as they grow, including ways of coping that may have once helped them feel safe, comfortable, or in control. A child who needed a parent to reassure them every time they worried may eventually need to practice sitting with some uncertainty. A child who avoided things that felt overwhelming may need to begin taking small risks. And a child who relies on an adult to solve every difficult problem will eventually need opportunities to work through some of those problems on their own.
Sometimes what children need to loosen their grip on is less obvious. It might be the belief that they have to get everything right, that plans have to happen exactly as expected, or that feeling uncomfortable means something is wrong. These ways of thinking and coping often develop for understandable reasons. At one point, they may even have helped. But as children grow, the same strategies can begin to get in the way of the confidence, flexibility, and independence they are trying to develop.
Letting go of an old way of coping doesn’t mean a child immediately feels ready for what comes next. They may still feel anxious without the reassurance, uncomfortable taking the risk, or unsure how to handle a problem independently. Growth often requires practicing something new before it feels natural.
Parents Have to Let Go, Too
Alongside your child’s growth, you are constantly being asked to change too. The baby who needs you for everything becomes the young child who wants to do more on their own. The child who once told you every detail of their day may become the teenager who wants more privacy. Their interests change, their personalities develop, their relationships shift, and the ways they need you change too.
The strategies that once helped calm the 8-year-old who was scared to start school may not be the same strategies your teenager needs when they are struggling with confidence. What once felt supportive may eventually need to look different. As these changes happen, it can take time for parents to notice them and become more mindful of changing their own responses too.
There can also be something bittersweet about this. We may feel proud watching our children become more capable and independent, while also missing the version of them who once reached for our hand, wanted us beside them, or needed our help in ways they no longer do. One stage of childhood can seem to disappear quietly as another takes its place.
Part of parenting is learning to appreciate the child in front of us while gradually letting go of who they used to be. That doesn’t mean forgetting or losing those earlier versions of them. They remain part of the story of who our child is becoming. But it does mean allowing our relationship with them—and the way we support them—to change as they change, even when part of us wishes we could hold onto certain seasons a little longer.
Helping Kids Through Seasons of Change
Because change can bring excitement, uncertainty, sadness, and even grief all at once, kids often need help making sense of those mixed feelings. We can be quick to reassure them that everything will be okay, point out the positives, or encourage them to move forward. Sometimes, though, what helps most is simply making room for the fact that something can be good and hard at the same time.
A child can be excited about a new school and still miss the old one. A teenager can want more independence and still feel nervous about leaving home. A child can know that a friendship is no longer a good fit and still feel sad about losing it. These feelings do not necessarily mean they are making the wrong choice or that something has gone wrong. They may simply be part of adjusting to a new season of life.
Parents can help by staying curious about what a change means to their child, rather than assuming we already know. We can listen, acknowledge what they are losing, and help them notice what they may be gaining too. We can offer support without rushing to take away every uncomfortable feeling. Over time, kids learn that they can miss what came before, feel uncertain about what comes next, and still keep moving forward.
Making Room for What Comes Next
Maybe that is what I find so meaningful about autumn. The leaves don’t stay the same, and the trees don’t hold onto them forever. There is a season of change, a season of letting go, and even a period when the branches are bare before anything new begins to grow.
Childhood and parenting can feel that way too. Kids outgrow interests, routines, friendships, ways of coping, and even earlier versions of themselves. Parents are changing alongside them, learning when to hold on, when to step back, and how to support the child who is in front of them now.
Letting go does not mean that what came before was unimportant. A friendship can have mattered deeply even if it doesn’t last. A coping strategy may have helped at one point even if it is no longer useful. A stage of childhood can be over while still remaining a meaningful part of who your child is becoming.
Perhaps growth is not about leaving everything behind. It is about carrying forward what still fits, letting go of what no longer does, and making room for whatever comes next—even when we cannot quite see the new growth yet.
If your child or teen is struggling with change, anxiety, friendships, or growing independence, therapy can offer a space to work through those transitions.
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